1. A man asks his insurance agent: “How much will I get, if I insure my house for $500,000, and it burns down tomorrow?”
The insurance agent: “10 years “.
2. An actuary, an underwriter and an insurance agent are driving in a car. The insurance agent holds the gas pedal; the underwriter – steps on the brake; and the actuary – is looking in the back mirror, and tells them where to go.
3. A group of tourists are on a tour of a Grand Canyon.
The tour-guide asks: “Can anyone tell me how old the Canyon is?”
Everyone is quite.
An actuary raises his hand and says: “1 million and three years”.
The tour-guide asks with astonishment: “Wow! How do you know so exactly?”
The actuary answers: “I was here three years ago, and you said the Canyon is million years”.
4. Because he alone was supporting his parents, Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Billy Lees was once advised to purchase some life insurance. “They wouldn’t need it,” Billy replied. “If anything happened to me, it would kill ’em!”
5. Insurance agents never retire, they just expire.
6. Needing insurance is like needing a parachute. If it isn’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing it again.
7. A life insurance agent was completing an application and got to the part on health history. He asked his client how his grandfather died.
This was his client’s startling answer. “I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.”
8. Last week I bought a retirement policy. All I’ve got to do is keep up the payments for 15 years and my agent can retire.
9. I thought my group insurance plan was fine until I discovered that I couldn’t collect until the whole group is sick.
10. Life insurance is really strange. It’s a weird concept. You really don’t get anything for it. It works like this: You pay me money. And when you die, I’ll pay you money.
11. A man is walking down the street smoking, drinking bourbon and swearing to himself.
A preacher came over to him and dressed him down good. He finished with “I’m 64 years old and I have never smoked, drank or swore!”
The man replied “Yes, and you have never sold insurance either!”
12. With all of today’s attractive accident insurance policies, a man can’t afford to die a natural death.
13. Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.
14. The seven-year old girl told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.”
“Oh, dear,” the mother nervously sighed. “What happened, honey?”
“Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”
15. “Do you know the present value of your husband’s policy?” the life insurance salesman asked his client.
“What do you mean?” countered the woman.
“If you should lose your husband, what would you get?” asked the salesman.
The woman thought a minute, then brightened up and said, “Probably a poodle.”
16. An underwriter, an insurance agent, an old lady and a beautiful blonde find themselves together on a train. The train passes through a tunnel and in the darkness a loud slap is heard. When out of the tunnel and in the light, they see that the insurance agent has a red five finger mark on his cheek.
The blonde is thinking: the insurance agent must have tried to grope me in the dark and mistakenly groped the old lady, so she slapped him.
The old lady is thinking: that guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped him.
The insurance agent is thinking: the underwriter must have groped the blonde in the dark and she mistakenly slapped me instead of him.
The underwriter is thinking: I can’t wait for the next tunnel so I can slap that damn insurance agent again!!!
17. Life insurance agent to would-be client: “Don’t let me frighten you into a hasty decision. Sleep on it tonight. If you wake in the morning, give me a call then and let me know.”
18. Sad but true: One day when I was a new agent, I received a phone call from a lady saying that unfortunately she had to cancel her husband’s life insurance policy. “We always paid it in time”, she said, “but since my dear husband’s sudden death last year I have had some financial hardship; therefore, I cannot pay it anymore.”I had the claim processed.
19. An insurance agent won a trip to Mexico City. Now he is trying to win a trip back home.